The lesson was on unity. And to teach this, one of our leaders came up with her own demonstration. One big box of starbursts, and then some nasty little hard candies that no one likes. Placing them in the middle of the circle, she asks the first girl to take her pick. She takes the box of starbursts, of course…duh. Who wouldn’t? And so the rest of the girls get the little hard candies. And hypothetically this causes frustration in the group.
“So what would you do in this situation?” The leader asked me, as she was talking through the lesson. “well…” I said “thats easy. I’d just split up the candy among everyone.” She agreed that would be one good solution, and then went on to tell me what her son had said earlier, when she was preparing for the lesson. When she asked him, he gave the answer I gave as well. But then she asked him what he would do if that still didnt make anyone happy. “well, i would just throw the candy away. its better that no one got any and be unified than to try to split it up and have everyone mad at each other.”
Wow. That option never even crossed my mind.
Sometimes we get so worked up about things being fair that it causes more harm than good. Sometimes it takes the sacrifice of something good to keep unity among a group. Sometimes it takes throwing away the candy entirely if that means it keeps a group unified. Is this something we should strive for? I think so.
Last night I was talking to Carlos and he asked me what I’ve been dreaming of. I was confused, of course, so i asked him to explain. He said: “i always like to see how people are dreaming. When you stop dreaming, you stop living.”And so i started thinking about what my big dreams are. What ARE my dreams? Do I have any?
And that’s when I realized that im not sure I’m dreaming anymore. Do i still make a difference in people’s lives? I think so. Do i spend great amounts of time building relationships? Yes. But am i dreaming of bigger and better days ahead? No. I think i’ve given up my rights to dream. I do what needs to be done to fulfill someone else’s dream, which is fine and good and admirable, and its a great dream to be apart of. And it absolutely fulfills the mission God has called us to. Please note, there is nothing wrong with the dream. But that doesnt give me the excuse to stop dreaming for myself.
I used to dream of the day when I’d be in a ministry position, making a difference in students’ lives and spending my time helping them grow deeper in their faith. I always thought I knew what things would look like when that happened. Now that i’m here, and things aren’t as I expected, I’ve stopped dreaming. But i’ve got years of life ahead of me. Where do I want to be in five years? In 10 years? In 40 years? It’s time that I start dreaming again.
Yesterday I finally took the plunge. I got a new phone. Not just ANY phone. A PDA phone (personal digital assistant!!). I got the Palm Centro…which i’ve heard nothing but good things about.
I took her home yesterday and she was lovely in all of her red glory. The red should have given me a hint. This morning i woke up and it had turned into the devil. Ok..maybe not. But red DOES rhyme with dead..and thats exactly what it was. It was plugged in all night…held the power button..nothing. took the battery out, put it back in…the startup screen lasted less than a second. And of COURSE, of all days, today all Sprint stores are closed for an employee seminar. What the heck!?
So today I have been phoneless, and it has been awful. I have no social life without a phone. And that is sad. But i dont have hard feelings against the Centro..i think i mustve just gotten a dud. Or at least i hope so.
And so, tomorrow at 9am sharp, you can find me at the local sprint store making sure i get this red beauty alive and healthy again.
I have to wonder, how often does our society (especially in the ministry world) mistake over-working as a noble characteristic? People will rave about others who work their fingers to the bone and call it dedication and committment. I know of people who will lose sleep, miss quality time with their family and friends, and will sacrifice their intimacy with God just to get more work done. And yet these people are glorified as exceptional leaders that have a work-ethic to aspire to.
Don’t get me wrong…I am amazed at that kind of committment, and absolutely love the people I know who have gone to those great lengths to get work done….but i just worry that this “admiration” for that characteristic may create a culture that admires over-working. It truly is incredible, but is it healthy? Is it worth it? Is it being a good steward of the time that God has given us? If we’re not careful, we’ll all be working over our hours, making ourselves sick, and setting ourselves up for spiritual failure because we simply want to be admired as a dedicated, hard worker. None of us want to be considered lazy or uncommitted…and so we get sucked into the lie that the more you work, the better person you are. Its so easy for that line to get fuzzy in ministry, but I think its still important that we keep our lives in balance.
I am all about being dedicated and committed. I am all about having passion that drives us to give it all we’ve got. I just think we need to be careful not to make the mistake of admiring people for having an out-of-balance work ethic.
In an attempt to relax, I plopped on the couch and flipped on the TV. Who Wants to be a Millionaire is what popped up on the screen. Normally I would flip it straight to the Olympics, but for some reason I decided to watch it for a second. I started day dreaming about how things used to be way back when this show first started. Summer of 1999. I was going into 8th grade. The things I worried about back then seem so trivial to me now; i just have to laugh.
This thought progression made me think about what Mandy wrote on her blog this morning about change. (Check it out here). We get used to “the way things are.” But inevitably, things change, and they soon become “the way things were.” We create a “new normal” as Mandy said.
Today was another one of those days. Today I had to say goodbye to my great friend, mentor, and coworker, Gretchen…our student staff administrative assistant who i job-shared with for a while. With another team member leaving and so many new joining us, I’m slowly learning to say “thats the way things were”…because they arent that way any more. And to be honest, it really sucks. I hate change. I dont want things to be new…i want them to just go back to the way they were.
But im sure I would’ve said that in 8th grade as well. And if i wouldnt have gone through changes, and growth, and hard times…i would still be stuck in my little 8th grade world all worried about who I would sit with during lunch at school, all worried about what one friend said about another friend, all worried that i couldnt get my stupid locker opened in time and i was late for class. Without change, I wouldnt be where I am today. Change has to happen in order for life to go on.
No one seems to like change…we seem to be creatures of habit. But i’m trying to remind myself that change is necessary. It is during transition, and trials, and change that we grow the most and we become who we are. But that doesnt mean it will always be easy.
I just have to wonder…do we hate change because we were designed to be in relationship with Someone who is constant?
So you’ve heard all of the fabulous things I’ve said about my friend, Meg. If not, check out this post.
Well, ladies and gentleman, your day is about to get better. How so? you ask. Well, my dear blog readers (all three of you)….my friend Meg now has a blog. I’ve linked her in my blogroll on the right side of my page. Check out her blog @ www.redmeg.wordpress.com and give her some love (a.k.a. write a few comments!).
Thats all. You may now return to your regularly scheduled lives.
Another late night on Monday…freelance work until at least 1am. I woke up feeling tired, groggy, and unfortunately normal. And so I rolled out of bed, knowing staff meeting would be starting soon….i stumbled and fumbled and got ready the best I could…and I went to my local Starbucks for my morning wake up. Venti iced white mocha, non-fat milk, no whip..please and thank you.
It was then that I realized that I had officially become addicted to caffiene. Because, you see, for the past two weeks, within an hour of waking up, I’ve either been stopping at starbucks, grabbing a diet coke, or filling up my coffee mug as soon as I get to work. But not only that, but I would drink caffinated beverages all throughout the day…even at 11 or 12 at night just so i can stay up to get work done. I simply cannot function without it. And so as I was sitting in Tuesday morning’s church-wide staff meeting, finishing the final sips of my precious starbucks…i realized this addiction had to end.
And so, since 10am on Tuesday morning, I have not had caffiene. I’ve heard the fastest way to “detox” your body from caffiene is to just go cold turkey. So i’ve decided to give up caffiene completely for three days. I’m making myself go until Friday night before I can have any caffiene. The goal is that I will have detoxed my body from its dependance on caffiene and i will start drinking it in moderation. Thats the goal at least.
So how do I feel? Let me tell you…. Tuesday:
Wish I could have pop for lunch.
Oh man, headache.
11pm? Its time for bed.
Wednesday:
Oh man I’m tired, i can’t wake up.
I wish i could have pop for lunch. boo.
Massive headache, please go away.
My eyes will only open half way.
I can’t think straight. I can’t focus. I’m really groggy.
Things arent making sense. I dont feel very alert.
I think I have a migraine. Oh my word, my head’s going to explode.
I think im dying. seriously. I think im dying.
Thursday:
Oh tired.
Feeling a bit better today.
Wish i could have pop for lunch.
Man, my body is tired.
I’m starting to realize how much i really have on my plate…and im not sure i have the energy to do it all without caffiene. Oh man.
I think i can hear my body say “i need sleep.”
And so the story continues….I will keep you posted….
We all have talents and gifts we’d like to use. We all know people we’d like to know better. We all have things we’d like to get done some day. We all have goals we want to reach and dreams we want to acheive. Right? I know I do. But if you’re anything like me, so often a day or week or month..maybe even a year..goes by and I really havent done much with those “intentions” of mine. Why?
I think its because we haven’t lived intentionally. Dictionary.com defines “intentional” as “done deliberately or as intended.” It is something that you’ve determined to do or planned to do. So often we say we’ll get to something, or we’ll meet up with someone, but we never do. Life gets the best of us, days turn into months, and we’re no better than before.
Ephesians 1:11-12 says “It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.”
I figure that if God has designed us for glorious living, then I want to tap into that by living to the full. I mean, Jesus said he came to give us life to the full, right? But if we just skim through life and are never intentional about anything…will we really experience all that God wants to show us? …through relationships, through talent, through experiences, through trial, through adventure, etc.
I’ve decided that i want to live intentionally. And being intentional means making a choice to put effort into something. I want to intentionally make an effort to strengthen certain relationships, I will be intentional about seeking God daily, I will be intentional about using my talents to glorify God, I will be intentional about the affirmation I give to others, I will be intentional about getting things done, I will be intentional about making sure i live life to the full.
If we don’t make the effort, those intentions will be just that….intentions.
The other night, I heard Jeremy Camp’s song “my desire” for the first time. It seems as if this song was written for me. I was getting ready to share this with you guys and was watching through some youtube videos to upload the song, and i stumbled across a live version of the song where Jeremy Camp explains why he wrote it…and wouldn’t you know….he talks about the very fact that in order to be used by God, we must be BROKEN VESSELS. I couldnt actually post that video because of the limited embedding options, but you can look it up on youtube. But here is another recording of the song. Please listen to the words. Please look up the lyrics on Google. Take a look…
Father, here I am. I am weary. Some days I feel like I am barely crawling. And yet i know that there is a vast world of brokenness I have never even experienced. I laugh and I cry all at the same time that I prayed to be broken last summer. I couldn’t have predicted the road I’ve walked in the past five months…and the valley i seem to still be walking. But i know you are there. You have proven yourself true…that when all is seemingly stripped away, you remain as my only hope. One of the speakers at the Summit said that when he met You, you took his breath away. Now he just feels out of breath. To be honest, thats how i feel right now, too. God I cry out to you…become real to me again!! I want to have IT…whatever IT is! I want that passion again. I want to fall so incredibly, intimately, head-over-heels in love with YOU again. I want everything i do to be saturated with this overwhelming, unexplainable love for you. I want you to be the impetus of my life. God I feel so completely out of my mind….but i feel attracted and addicted to this thing of brokenness. I hate it, God. Yet the more broken I become, the more emptied I am of myself, the more I experience you and see you at work. I can’t believe my heart or mind or anything in my DNA is even open to this thought…but im whispering to you…break me. Another speaker at the Summit challenged us to ask you to “bring it on.” So whether that is a dream you want me to assume, or a position of leadership that you want me to execute, or a road of pain you want me to walk….i whisper terrified, “bring it on, God.” No, I can’t simply whisper it God….I desire more of you. I want more of you. I can’t do anything without you. I dont want to sleep or eat or think or anything until i have more of you. I crave you more than anything. This longing that I have is tangible. My desire is for more of you. And so I just can’t resist this force that is drawing me in…the pull that is luring me to say “break me, God.” If it means more of you, I want it. Break me..shatter my life, God. Become my everything. Use me, use my life, use my story to bring glory to You. My flesh is running a hundred miles an hour against everything that causes pain and discomfort, but my soul craves more of you. My soul desires to be stripped of anything of myself and to be filled only by You. Bring me pain if you choose, bring me gut-wrenching heartache if you so desire. Use whatever you choose in order for my life to bring glory to You. I believe you can do that in many ways…through blessing, through prosperity, through laughter, through talent, through position, through leadership, through character….and I welcome any and all of those. But i want you to know that my soul is okay with you choosing pain for my life as well. Nothing else matters except the fact that I want more of You. I am broken and weary and my soul wants rest…and I pray that you become very very real to me. Use me. Please please use me. Amen.
I clearly remember sitting on a couch in an extended planning meeting with our student staff when i heard about the death of Steven Curtis Chapman’s youngest daughter. When we found out, one of our interns said “He’ll have a great next CD” to which someone replied “too soon, dude, too soon.” Indeed…it was definitely too soon to say something like that.
But as Ive been watching CNN’s interview with the Chapman family, I wonder if that statement might have had a true ring to it. I think about the amazing books I’ve read or the mind-blowing songs I’ve heard or life-changing speechess i’ve encountered…is it any coincidence that some of the greatest works of art…or some of the greatest leaders to walk this earth…have been shaped and crafted because of deep, heart-wrenching pain? The lyrics are raw, the words are shattering and insanely true. They resound with authenticity and cling to a part of your heart so deep inside….a place that “jesus loves me” type songs just do not. They are the songs that remind us that we are human and we have emotions that soar from ecstasy to agonizing despair. I think about some of the amazing people in my own life. They, too, were crafted and shaped by pain and suffering. They are who they are because of the valleys they’ve had to walk through.
I just finished a book on brokenness. A Tale of Three Kings. A must read!! This book talks about the importance that God sees in using broken vessels. There were a lot of hard things in that book that im wrestling with.
I think of my own life and the trials i’ve had to face, and many in the future which will probably be even harder to face. I wrestle with this concept of brokenness…I really do feel broken right now. I look back at my journal from last year and can’t help but laugh, and then cry, when I read my scary prayer for God to break me:
Is it stupid to pray ‘God wreck my life in such a way that my only hope is you?’ Is it stupid to say that my heart is crying that very thing out, but my lips are trembling at the thought of saying it? I can say it with certain circumstances in my head that I think i could handle…but if i could handle them, my only hope wouldn’t be him, would it? It’s at that time that my mind goes to other situations in which i hope i never have to face. Is it stupid to pray for suffering so that I see the blessing of God? Whether my lips can say it or not, my heart desires for God to flip my world upside down in a way that He is the only one to get me through. I want to experience God in a way I never have before. I want to be reminded that its not about me. I dont want to be…but i do. let me just say what my mind is thinking-’God don’t do anything to me…dont make me sick, dont injure me.” ok. I had to get that out. i hate that i just wrote these things. My flesh thrashes at the thought of being purged from its throne. My soul delights in the presence of the King. I hate that i have welcomed pain and suffering into my life. My soul is content knowing He is already all I need. Let me realize that this life is not about my own pleasures or desires. Let me discover that there is a bigger picture.
Wow. And now i look back at the past five months and just let out a big SIGH. I’m weary. I’m broken. And yet i know that i havent even faced life’s most difficult challenges yet. I wonder how much more i can take right now. But I know God is in the business of taking broken vessels and using them for His glory. I hope that is true for my life.
I know this has been long..and somewhat choppy..and i’m impressed if you made it this far. But I just wanted to share my thoughts as I wrestle through these thoughts of brokenness.
Although I do get a paycheck from Westside Family Church, it does not mean that I always state their opinions or beliefs, so please do not hold them responsible for anything I say on this blog!
